Wednesday, September 05, 2007 . 11:46 PM

You were my everything in the past.
For the present, you still have a big impact on me.
Whatever that you say or do, it does have an impact on me.

Kah Peng is sort of envying me that I can still be friends with you as per normal.
Going out together, have fun and all.
I dare not have such envy.
Because I'll think and think to a point where I've lost my composure.
I can be firm and move on with my life.
But why do such an envy actually made me think so much?
I don't understand.
I don't know what is it that I really want anymore.
See! Composure lost.
Darn!

I never want to start pinning hopes.
Never even want to start having dreams of you.
Never even want to lose any more weight because of you.
But why do I find myself doing all these things again?

Why do I still dream of you?
Why do I start pinning hopes even if it's a 0.001% chance to start all over again?
Why do I start finding myself to avoid food again?
I can't find a logical answer..

I knew I missed you. Especially after going out with you as a friend and talking or chatting with you.
I don't know why.
Was it because I still loved you?
This time round, I really do not know how to answer.

Work is alright. Having fun working.
With my blur-ness and all, think AMs have nothing to say at times. =p
Still hanged out often with LA-ers.
Nothing much.

Finally said something I don't expect myself to say.
Think was because I got too sick that it damaged my brain lar =p
Anyway, there's no rejection, no nothing.
Just that perhaps we both weren't really ready. It's all a matter of time and fate.
So leave it to let nature take its own course. :)
But still, I don't like reading between the lines...
Because whatever he's doing, it sort of made me feel, some feelings were involved...
Sigh.
Whatever.

Just be contented with whatever I have is fine already.
Tomorrow will be a better day.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007 . 12:09 AM

I wish I could go back to the past.
I never want to be alone. Never want to walk this path alone.
Will you walk with me by my side once again?
I know it's impossible.
Sighs.

They can only be dreams. Dreams that once awaken, reality falls into place.
But the dreams are so sweet, I wish I will never be awaken in the first place.
The dreams represents the hopes, the longiness for you.
But I'm being thrown back into reality.
What am I supposed to do?

Qiusong did say there are somethings that we know and should not harbour any other hopes.
For the higher we hope, the higher the disappointment we'll face.
And so he have learnt it.
Have I?
Yes, I have.
But I still wish to hope for the impossible to become possible.

喜欢和爱一个人是不一样的。。

Friday, August 10, 2007 . 12:38 AM

9th August marks the nation’s birthday.
And so, Happy Birthday Singapore!

Went to Joy’s hostel today. With Jeremy and Alan too.
Shouldn’t have called them along. Hahaha =p

Met her to go shopping for groceries first before picking up Jeremy and before going to NTU.
Hall 14 Blk 68 Level 4 Room 1410. Hahaha.
I liked her room.
For the very fact that her room number is my birth date.
And the environment there is really very nice and condusive.
And if I was even there in the first place, I think I’ll just go crazy crapping and talking to her at night. Haha.
That’s hall life.

Anyway, as I said, we shouldn’t called Jeremy and Alan along. HAha.
I think we practically have so much things to say.
Like after 1 week of her staying in hall and all.
Too many things to talk already. And with the guys around, we can never talk so conveniently and crazily. Haha.
Ok. Not to mention the very fact that Alan was my bf and Jeremy was her bf before.
And so, nothing is convenient when we go crazy sharing stuffs. Hehe.
I shall work harder to get a place into NTU next year.
And I'll get to have Joy as my roomie. Hehe.

Had a tour around NTU. And dropped Alan off at a convenient place for him to go home.
Went to Eastpoint to get ink cartridge, and dinner before heading to Joy’s place.
Jeremy treated Sakae Sushi, Joy’s parents treated KFC and I treated drinks. Hehe.
What a feast we have at her house!

Watched NDP 07 at her house.
Slightly disappointing this year.
Though I like the Parade and Ceremonial (P&C) part.
And I don’t really like the Show part. =p
And this year, I got to watch the fireworks from Joy’s house! Hehe.
Anyway, stayed at her place till 10+pm before heading home.

That’s my National Day. Hehe.

Friday, August 03, 2007 . 10:45 PM

I almost did the craziest thing today.
And that is to send you an sms, asking you to come back again.
Perhaps I really felt so lost that all I wanted was you only.
ANd my life will fall back into place.
But I didn't.
I knew you would ignore it.

If only you really know what's happening to me day after day..
It's really been a long long time since I actually spoke to you..
Do you think a friendship will really work things out fine for us?
Do you really think it'll at least allow us to be closer again one day?
I doubt so.

The LA people always managed to make me have my fair share of fun and laughter.
And I do admit, I enjoy their company.
So much that I know I won't really think about anything so often..

But once, I'm left all alone... I can't help but to start thinking and wishing and praying..
What should I do?

Thursday, August 02, 2007 . 10:21 PM

If only someone will bring me to a far away place.
Somewhere far away from this tiny island.
To another island/country, where I'll be able to get my own peace, my own life.

And yes, once again.. because of everything, I cried another time.
Wonder how many more of these times I'll need to go through.
Been so frequent that I'm feeling tired of it...
The tears will never stop flowing anymore..

If only suicide is the only solution to solve everything..
Won't that be so much better?

Tuesday, July 31, 2007 . 10:28 PM

I miss you.
Badly.
How on earth can I really let you go successfully?
I don't even think so I will ever let go successfully..
You came into my life..
You made a big impact in my life..
You made me smile and laugh..
You loved and cared for me the most.. one which no one else can ever managed to do that..

So now that you are gone, what am I really supposed to do?
Without you, my life collapsed.
Everything we used to built up has fallen apart..
What am I supposed to do?

Is your life still the same as when we were together?
Has your life collapsed too?
Do you even think of how am I feeling?
Do you even bother to give me a call at times to see how am I doing?
Do you even miss me at times?

Sighs..

One day, I hope..
I'll be able to get you out of my mind...
In this case, I'll be able to slowly build up all the broken pieces and fixed them again with someone else..
Someone who will never foresake me despite knowing the hardest truth/s..
Someone who will hold my hands in the dark and in crowded places like you do..

I hope.. I pray.. I wish...

Monday, July 30, 2007 . 11:13 PM

Back to using blogger again.
Still using wordpress at the same time.
Perhaps a double entry next time?
yeah!

2months since we went separate ways.
wonder how I even managed to survive.
yes. my life was hell when he left.
suicidal thoughts came so often.
but I brushed all these away.
because, if he doesn't love me after all that has happened between us, nothing I do will ever make him love me again.

my life is still like hell now.
what exactly lies behind my smiles..
nobody knows.
i think i'm so used to hiding my feelings at times, that no one can actually figured out what's with me.

i still cry at night..
the nights when i missed him so much..
the nights when i needed him by my side so badly..
the nights when my parents made life so hard for me to breathe in..
i do cry.
but who's there to hold me close and let my tears flow?
it used to be him. but it's now what he left for me.. the mickeys he bought..

why is life so hard?
sigh..

Wednesday, June 06, 2007 . 9:29 PM

been away for so long.
kinda lazy to update this blog already.

nothing interesting at all.
purely work all day.
and i'm getting tired day after day.
perhaps its the aftermath of whatever that has happened.

i'm moving on bravely now.
not sure how long it can last.
at least i still can sms and disturb my colleagues (ok, only that colleague) after work.
haha.